I remember seeing him in the halls and feeling like God had opened the gates of Heaven to allow me to hear the song that the angels sang in his honor. There would be instances when I'd see this guy and my breath would literally catch in my throat. I would be torn between wanting to run and hide from this torturous sensation and tolerating it, if that meant that I'd be able to marvel at the beauty that was him.
The oddest thing is that as much confusion and uncertainty these feelings brought, I welcomed them. It could only be described as an odd form of adrenaline that ensued by being in the same space as this guy. I recall constantly seeking ways to experience this euphoria---only to blank and lose any sense I had when actually presented with the opportunity to speak to him. My high school crush.
But, at twenty four almost twenty five...ain't nobody got time for that! For real. This awkward emotional exchange of "chemistry" that as adults we typically chalk up as sexual tension. Yet, even though I'm more self assured, bolder (okay, that may be a lie), and knowing as my adult self. This adolescent feeling has found me once again. Here I am with this unwarranted urge to smile and forgetting how to maintain my sense of self when I'm in his presence. It's like a cruel self infliction of torture that comes from marveling at the existence of this person.
The thing about crushes at my age is that they're worthless. It's above and beyond the normal bodily reaction we get to alert us of our attraction to another human being. It becomes an all too encompassing and slightly obsessive frame of mind.
Ain't nobody got time for that!
No comments:
Post a Comment